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The Simple Life |
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After watching the season opener of "The Simple Life" I've decided that my infatuation with Paris Hilton is justifiably based on her being a tremendously hot slut with a shitload of money (not that I'm too terribly materialistic). Needless to say, I now have a new favorite show. Additionally, I've found an interesting way to keep my mind free from distractions during commercial breaks. I repeatedly viewed her explicit home movie which made for 30 minutes of non-stop masturbation fodder (although Nicole Richie is rather disturbing chunky and dumb minus liquor can kill an erection).
Anyhow, here's the first episode highlights: -Paris in Frankie B's. Her pants are cut so low that they had to block out multiple views of her ass crack. 
Okay, aside from staring at Paris, the show doesn't have much to offer. Or at least I didn't notice anything else. However, scenes from the second episode did show Paris making out with some local dude whom she dubs, "...the hottest guy in Arkansas." And as the hottest guy in Michigan, I've still got a chance.
No one really wants to watch "The Simple Life" anyway. I don't want to see Paris retching at the thought of plucking a chicken, sleeping in a tick-infested house, or failing on an attempt to put an old truck into reverse. I want to see her naked. We all do. Until the 50 other sex tapes she's filmed with Rick Salomon, Nicole Lenz, Simon Rex, and The Phenomenon (one day, perhaps) are suddenly available on Kazaa, "The Simple Life" will have to suffice. But if the rumors are true, there should be plenty of reality footage out there to keep us spanking quite some time.  With a slight digression, perhaps the most interesting point of discussion surrounding Paris Hilton is the debate about the identity of the mysterious 'Fred' that calls during her Salomon sex tape. Upon realizing that it's Fred calling during her sexual romp, Paris announces, "Fuckin' Fred." Fred sounds like a dork. If I had to guess, I'd say it was either Fred Savage (or at least his character from "Rules of Attraction") calling to score some ecstasy (everybody loves E), heroin (Nicole Richie got busted for possession this year), or roofies (he's gotta nail Winnie Cooper one of these days).
Whatever. Paris, if you ever need to lay low and avoid the media for a while, my bedroom is eight miles north of Detroit. Send nude photos of Paris Hilton or any other hot slut to thephenomenon@paperbagreview.com.  The Phenomenon |
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